Sometime in 2015 or so I found this scripture in the Book of
Daniel, Chapter 10 verse 19; so I wrote it in my own words (based on another
version that describes ESTEEMED as LOVED) on a Post-it and stuck on my mirror. I wanted to see it daily and be reminded that
I am not alone, yet between that year and now, I doubt I’ll ever be able to
explain how much I’ve had to deal with feeling completely alone, helpless and
afraid. To say it messed with me would be a gross understatement; however this
is no longer a sad tale. In all the darkness it never crossed my mind that
these words were untrue; I simply believed it wasn’t an experience for me because
I lived my life holding hands with fear and self-loathing.
Apart from it being True Words from the Bible, I had actually
seen the effect of true love on other people; just knowing you have support
from at least one person sometimes gives you wings to fly! To know that
whatever you say or do wouldn’t be associated with shame in the mind of that
person. There is a line in the movie ‘A United Kingdom’, where someone said
about Rosamund Pike’s character “she is a strong woman because she is loved”. There
is a confidence that comes from knowing someone is in your corner.
And it wasn’t about external validation; I could be sure of
my choices yet still feel like there is no reason for me to be here. I
genuinely wondered if this is how life is supposed to be. I had mastered the
art of convincing myself that life happens to everyone so they had no capacity
to care for me; I had no intention of being a burden, I didn’t think I was that
valuable.
I greatly admired Dr Angelou and out of the numerous wise
things I had listened to her say, something that stood out for me in one of her
videos was when she mentioned, “I bring everyone who has ever been kind to me
with me………I don’t ever feel like I have no help”. She was talking about people who
had been ‘rainbows in her clouds’. At different points these words came to
memory, even though I didn’t practice it. Then one day, years after first
hearing this interview, two interventions from some friends and a chat with my
mother, I fully experienced it. I realized I had people, however few who loved
me, who refused to allow me stay in my hole, people who have been kind to me
(without expecting any form of compensation or return) and I knew that I couldn’t
let them down.
I also knew that I needed to bring them along with me as a
constant reminder when clouds gathered because that happened frequently. I wasn’t
relying on them for my happiness or progress; that was a separate and very
personal journey. But it was truly important that I recognized that God allowed
me to experience the little note on my Post-it through them; I knew I had to
get up and be that person for some other people too.
So this is me telling you, you reading this, that “you are
greatly loved. You may not always remember or feel that way but know that you’re
highly esteemed in someone’s eyes. There are people who genuinely want you to
succeed and be happy. And when you find them, be grateful for them. Above all
these, there is a God and His Love for you can’t be compared to any other.”