The first time I thought of
this was a few weeks ago and the line kept replaying in my mind; I had been thinking
of my year so far, floating between being proud of my growth and breathing
through an anxiety attack due to all I know I still had to deal with. And one
of the thoughts dominant in my mind was makeup and my journey in that industry.
I have been in love with makeup since I was a child, from about 4 years old I
knew eye pencils and lipsticks (my mother's); in Primary school I knew Fashion Fair and Estee
Lauder and I buried myself in any Ebony Magazine I could find; I was obsessed
with ‘Video fashion’ (and any other programme that showed backstage fashion
shows).
Through secondary school and
University, I stuck with this obsession and it was true love. And other people
saw it too – anytime a family member travelled to another country, I was the
one they bought a beauty product for. I imagined being a Makeup Artist in the glamorous
world of Fashion and Beauty but for reasons I do not remember now I did not voice
out my dream until I was much older and the Makeup Industry had become ‘a
thing’ in Nigeria and the world. As I gained the freedom to pursue this career,
I went to Makeup schools, got certified, watched endless videos, stayed with
the trends and spent a fortune on a still growing makeup collection. Yet, after a few years I wasn’t happy; I was bored
and I wasn’t getting as much Joy as I did when I was younger but I couldn’t
figure out why.
I did notice certain things –
my makeup looks seemed to always be subtle, on either me or others I just could
not seem to get the certain looks the ladies preferred or trends demanded; I
started getting really lazy to even wear makeup on myself and friends started
paying other makeup artists when they had events while I became the designated
go-to girl for free services or Consultation. I was disappointed in them and
wondered if they were good people for not supporting me. I mean I went for
courses and master classes, bought and read books, I knew products like I know
my name but I got no satisfaction and definitely no profits because I wasn’t
getting clients as frequently as I needed to in order to remain in business. I
was also disappointed in myself and I began to question this dream I always had
and even believed I wasn’t good enough to be in this industry.
I also noticed that I had
become more interested in skin, facial features and how people perceived
themselves as beautiful or not. I enjoyed telling people what to buy and selling
it to them more than I enjoyed the process of applying makeup. I struggled with
this for years, it was painful to deal with and I didn’t know what to do or who
to talk to. I believed I had found my path in Makeup but it was killing me. I
decided to take a break but it was like being in an abusive relationship,
because at the slightest sign or chance of things getting better, I would run
back and then something would go off again.
A series of other events took
place and I decided to focus on other things mainly self-development related.
And that’s when I realised that I had to stop being so defeatist and deal. I
needed to know ME- who I was years ago, who I had become and who I desire to
be. I learnt that it is okay if I change
my mind about a dream I once had. That I didn’t have to wait for validation
from other people who no matter how close they are to me, cannot walk my
journey the way I am required to. That their alleged betrayal was a push I
needed for a brutally honest self-evaluation. The most liberating was that it is possible for me to
absolutely love Makeup and not be a commercial Makeup Artist; no matter the
amount of years and resources spent on this, I have no regrets. My knowledge
and passion for Makeup will definitely be to my advantage as I advise and sell
products to people.
I still know how to apply
makeup when the need or demand requires me to do so but I feel no shame or
pressure or anger when someone picks another over me (just respect yourself and
do not ask me for free makeup sha). I will wear makeup forever; I will be the
cool Grandma in Red lipstick and lashes. And please note this family and friends
- I want dark purple lips, winged eyeliner and highlighter (that the Angels can
see from a yonder place as they welcome me) on my face as I am being buried.
Don’t even play with me else my ghost will come remind you all, Lol!
My point is, it is okay to walk
away. There are so many things you will do as you try to find that one thing
that brings complete fulfilment however you need to OWN IT! Own the time, the
process and even the pain of letting go of what once was. Take charge of who
you are and your experiences and do not let anyone use it as a weapon to hurt
you. Educate yourself, there isn’t just one or straight way to do something,
gain from it or love it! I have learnt to do what I have to do until I can do
what I want to do. It doesn’t mean I have lost! This journey of Self-discovery
and reclaiming my confidence has even opened my eyes to other enjoyable and
profitable opportunities in the same Makeup and Beauty industry. So while I genuinely
enjoy the endless colors, the drag and extraness of Ru Paul, in my heart maybe
I am the calm- love yourself first- soft makeup wearing Bobbi Brown and to be
truly happy, I just needed to stop trying so hard to fit in.
**my
use of the characters is not in any way meant to elevate one person over the
other. I absolutely love and admire both personalities, so let’s not over think it *smile*. Happy New
Year!!!!