The image above is a
quote I created August 2016 and put up on my Instagram page the morning I quit
my job; it seemed random because I woke up that morning NOT knowing I would
quit even though I had seen it coming for weeks. I was existing daily with a
broken heart and I just felt led to share that message even though I wasn’t following
my own advice.
In a few days, I would
celebrate 1 year anniversary of being self-employed. To be honest, I cringed a
little when I typed that because a part of me remembered my mum’s voice telling
me a while ago to try to get a job and I am almost faithless enough to also believe
that’s what I need. Do not get it wrong, I am NOT against being an employee, in
fact I have friends who are working for other people, presently wealthier and
more fulfilled than me. But maybe that has not always been my ‘luck’.
I have been out of job
before but this one feels different; maybe because I am more aware or I am
tired of being ‘romanced’ by insincere business owners who make me believe my
aspirations fit into their organizations but end up being abusive, or I am done
with making bad choices and would rather just focus on growing what I can call
my own and truly offer my best to people; at least the mistakes and victories
will be all mine. Whatever it is though, I do know that a few months ago, I
made up my mind to be more assertive, decisive and intentional; which for me
included making decisions and sticking through until the end even if I found
myself alone on that train. I have succeeded in a few (which sadly I haven’t appreciated
enough).
Of all the items on my list
I made, I chased and prayed for 2 the most but it felt like they both eluded me
with each passing day. I didn’t give up though; I kept telling myself that
these were things I wanted with genuinely good intentions and which will make
life better for even other people around me. I even told myself that I would
follow these through to prove a point to myself that I was strong willed,
hardworking and faithful. But as time passed, I knew in a way that I could not
deny that they wouldn’t happen when I wanted and how I wanted them.
I was disappointed! That
is putting it mildly; and just like my life a year before, I was heartbroken!
But God has a sense of
humour (that’s how I choose to see it) because for the past few days, several
Bible passages I have stumbled on and even random social media posts have
somewhat been designed to comfort me or help me see clearly. Hearing an actor
talk about “the best thing that never happened” for him which ended up being a
blessing or a successful cosmetic line owner talking about how she couldn’t get
an education she truly needed a few years ago because she couldn’t afford it. And
then people I didn’t share anything with but who just had honest things to say
to me and even someone I once considered an ‘enemy’ showing up with help.
What truly baffles me is
how I am so exhausted and hurt, yet a part of me I can’t explain brought out a
notebook and began to write out the next best plan and how to shift my focus to
work with and build what I have left. My faith is shattered but hope stands
determined to place the pieces together. Like my heart is aching but my mind is
working out a plan to heal the pain! Feels like a big rock is sitting in my
chest but my body can carry it as if it weighs a feather. Maybe another being
is living the days while my body stays in bed.
So that is what I have
chosen to celebrate, that I have grown enough to still be functional and progressive
even in the midst of this. The Anu of before would have died in heart and mind
(while waiting for body to follow) and completely missed out on seeing the
chance to get up quickly and get on with it! I won’t have seen that I can push
through whatever opposes me. I won’t have seen that those 2 things can still come
for me, they just haven’t happened on my own terms and timing and that has to
be okay.
I recognize now more
than ever that disappointments do not mean the end or that you did something
wrong, or that you didn’t do enough, sometimes it means you need to re-route or
it’s not yet time.
“With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still
a beautiful world.” - Max Ehrmann, Desiderata