I am not here to play

I have never been that person…

Even when I was young and I was allowed to play, I didn’t

I am not the girl you keep at the phone waiting for no reason just to receive your call.

I am not the girl who you say ‘A’ to and act out ‘B’

I am not the one you keep waiting.

You do not try to push butterflies down my throat, into my stomach and then make me vomit them.

I am not the one you keep guessing because you will be disappointed.

It may seem like I am playing along but I am watching silently while you teach me the art

So by the time another of your kind comes along, he doesn’t even need to speak before I know what he is made of.

I am not the girl whose love you awaken or trust you claim to want and then can’t handle it when I give you a preview.

I do not know in between; I swing between ‘I like you’ and ‘I have no regard for your existence’

This comes in varying degrees but never a perfect blend to accept your idiocy.

I have a low threshold for deceit regardless of who is trying to dish it out to me.

I do not hold a grudge if you genuinely have no interest in what I am about

But darling do not feel the need to hold on to my precious time just to massage your ego, you may end up hurt!

I am alone not lonely and I didn’t ask for your help!

I am awesome……a beautiful expression of the good in your life.

I am peace…….bringing calm, joy and a break from your chaos.

I am solid…….the unwavering solace you fall back to when you are in over your head.

I am magnificent……appealing, warming your senses, fanning your flames.

I am wisdom…..protecting your throne as King.

I am the armour bearer……covering your vulnerability, fighting your demons.

I am NOT the one to mess with, do not pervert my powers.

I will always flow with life yet do not feel the need to make the job of tending harder for he who is worthy.

I did not offer you anything, you came to seek and I convinced myself you were deserving of the gifts.

I am not your mother; you did not come to me as a child therefore I have no responsibility to nurse you.

I am willing to share but kindly grow up and earn these blessings; we do not cast pearls to swine or wear diamonds on children.

So get serious, MAN UP or piss off!!! Thank you very much.

Mirror Mirror

“Do you look into the mirror?”

That was the question he asked me…..a young man about 14 years old; I had never seen him before and I probably would never see him again.

I dreamed of him, he was short for his age, dark skinned and very neat.

He was told to speak or sing to me but as he opened his mouth that question came out and it took me all of three seconds to understand what he was saying…….

“How do I see me?”

And my answer was “I don’t”

I couldn’t even speak out so it was more of an affirmation spoken to myself.

I feel I do not know what people see when they look at me because I do not have an image of what I want them to see.

It goes beyond if I am beautiful in their eyes; I have no concerns about my face

It runs deeper than that!

I am learning not to let people’s opinions bother me yet I am responsible enough to recognize that no one should associate me with negativity and bad behavior.

Sometimes I am tempted to ask random people what they think of me or what I need to fix.

Then I realized you can never get to that place of being ‘complete’ or ‘enough’ for everyone and at all times.

Recently I told a group of friends that I am evolving and I feel like I need to protect that process and who I am becoming. However a few minutes before I made that statement I couldn’t define what I felt I was going through because I was more frustrated than satisfied.

But it made me feel really good that I now had some sort of understanding of what was happening.

I have grown; and I still have a lot more growing to do because a few years from now I will probably be a totally different person from who I am today. The uncertainty scares me but I am expectant; and I know I won’t be alone because there are a few people who know me and love me from my roots not just the face I show them.

So I will do what the young man in my dream asked, I will look into the mirror more because the answers, the healing and the power I often seek are already inside me – this I know and I am starting to believe for real!